Sweet, Sweet Lies
by easiertolie
Summary: Castle finds out Kate never forgot.
1. Chapter 1

_**Sweet, Sweet Lies**_

_turning circles time again _

_cut like a knife, oh now_

_if you love me _

_got to know for sure_

_'cause it takes something more this time_

_than sweet, sweet lies, oh now_

_before I open up my arms and fall _

_losing all control_

_..._

Shit.

Kate Beckett was standing alone in the break room. A shattered coffee cup at her feet.

Not hers. His.

Her cup was the only thing keeping her hands from shaking. She felt a splash of liquid against her skin, looking down to see hot coffee dripping down her palm.

So much for that. Her hands were anything but still.

The coffee was hot, scalding. But she couldn't feel it.

She couldn't feel anything.

...

The day started out fine. The body drop call came a little bit earlier than she would have liked, but Castle was there, waiting with a cup a coffee. For the first time in weeks, she had slept through the night. No nightmares of bright cemeteries and dark hangars woke her.

She felt good. In control.

She should've known it wouldn't...couldn't last.

It was a quick flinch, a miniscule change in her demeanor. A car backfiring, maybe a block away, that made her miss a step, nearly stumbling into the uniform in front of her.

She mumbled an apology and kept going. She was ducking under the yellow tape when she noticed the way Castle was looking at her, concern pouring from his eyes.

Damnit.

He saw it. He always did.

...

She managed to avoid his questions until they got back to the precinct. He cornered her in the break room as she made them coffee.

"What do you want, Castle?" She said, the exasperation clear in her voice.

"Are you OK?" He asked quietly, trying to catch her eye.

She busied her hands with the task.

"I'm fine," she replied.

And she was. Her PTSD _was_ getting better. She was able to pull herself out of this episode quickly. This morning wasn't even worth mentioning to her therapist. But Castle wasn't about to let it go. She could see the determination in his eyes.

"It was quick, Castle. I'm OK..." she paused and lifted a hand to squeeze his forearm, "...really."

He gave her a weak smile before nodding.

They leaned against the counter, side by side, shoulders touching. It was quiet and he was warm next to her. The blinds were closed and door was nearly shut. All she wanted to do was lay her head on his shoulder, just for a minute.

Castle sighed heavily, she could feel his shoulders slump.

"I don't get it, if you don't remember anything..."

Shit.

"...how come this keeps happening?"

He was looking at her. His voice was soft and bewildered.

She fumbled for words, _any_ words, but her throat was clogged, a lump of tears threatening to choke her. She didn't have time to wipe the evidence of her lie off her face before he saw _everything_.

His face drained of all color. His eyes were wide, drowning in unmasked pain.

She dropped her head in shame.

The sound of ceramic crashing against the floor brought her eyes up, searching for him.

But he was gone.

...

She was numb.

On auto-pilot, she cleaned the spilled coffee and recklessly grabbed at the broken shards of the mug. Miraculously, she didn't cut herself this time.

Tears stung at the back of her eyes, pushing to be freed. She swallowed repeatedly, trying to the will them back down.

She just needed to get out of here. Then she could lose it.

After a few steadying breaths, Kate schooled her features and headed straight for her desk.

"Espo, I have something I need to take care of, can you handle things here?"

Esposito and Ryan both looked up. They both saw Castle tear out of bullpen only minutes earlier and by the look on Beckett's face, something had happened.

"Yeah, sure. We got this," Esposito replied with a smile.

"Thanks. I"ll...call you later," she said, shrugging on her jacket.

...

It took her a full five minutes to lift her hand and knock.

The whole drive over she tried to figure out what to say to him to fix this, them. But if she was being honest with herself, she didn't deserve his forgiveness. She didn't deserve him, period.

She could hear him shuffling to the door. And the distinct pause when he looked through the peep hole. The door opened slowly, revealing a disheveled Rick Castle.

His hair looked like he'd run his hand through it more than once. The tails of his shirt hung untucked. His feet only clad in socks.

His eyes were red rimmed, but dry.

He didn't say a word, just looked at her...through her.

"Now isn't a good time," he said, his voice catching, betraying him.

"Too bad," Kate mumbled, pushing past him, grabbing his arm, taking him with her.

She went straight for his office, pausing before deciding that the open bookshelves didn't provide enough privacy. She glanced to the right and pulled him through the open door and into...his bedroom.

Great.

She took a deep breathe before turning to face him. He clicked the door shut behind him.

"I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry, Castle."

His eyes stayed fixed on the ground, his hands shaking at his sides.

Apparently apologizing wasn't going to be enough. Of course it wasn't.

He told her he loved her and she left. She left him for three months and let him think she never even heard him.

"How long?" He finally spoke. His voice rough.

She twisted her hands, uncomfortable. She was pretty sure she knew what he was asking. When did she remember. When did that moment come back to her. How was she supposed to tell him it never left?

She chanced a glance at him. And he read it on her face. All control she had over her expressions gone.

She watched as his breath quickened, eyes darting around the dark room, looking for something, anything to grab ahold of.

Without much thought she went to him. He recoiled at her advance, his back hitting the door with a thud.

"I'm sorry," she tried again, her voice a little stronger. "I'm sorry."

"I can't-"

She cut him off, pressing herself against him, taking his mouth. He stilled under her hands, his breath catching in his throat. She lingered a moment, before pulling back to look at him.

"I'm _sorry._"

His eyes were closed, breathing shallow. She waited, her hands warm against his chest. It was the least she could do.

He waited for her.

He blinked slowly, his eyes dark, pupils wide.

She was hoping he could see the truth like he could see the lies.

_I love you._

The pain and anger dissipated as quickly as it had come. Before she could say the words he needed, deserved, he spun them, pushing her against the door.

He ducked his head, sliding his mouth across hers. She gasped as his tongue pried her open. Raising up on her tip-toes she wound her arms around his neck, pulling him closer.

They broke panting. His breath skirted across her cheek. She swallowed the lump in her throat, brushing her lips across his ear in a whisper.

"I love you."

...

a/n: I'm not sure if this is done yet or not. I might have one more chapter to write. Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Sweet, Sweet Lies**_

_turning circles time again _

_cut like a knife, oh now_

_if you love me _

_got to know for sure_

_'cause it takes something more this time_

_than sweet, sweet lies, oh now_

_before I open up my arms and fall _

_losing all control_

_..._

_"I love you."_

_..._

He stilled.

Kate dropped her hands to his waist, fisting his shirt, keeping him with her.

His hands were braced against the door on either side of her head, ready to push away. Poised to leave.

She turned her head, finding the rough edge of his jaw, teeth scraping against stubble. His breath quickened, fingers curled against the door. She worked her way back to his mouth, refusing to give up. Refusing to let him go. When she reached his lips, he pulled back, resting his forehead against hers, his eyes broken and pleading.

"You heard me."

"I heard you," she said, voice quiet, ashamed.

"You died in that ambulance," he said, choking on the words, eyes spilling.

She released his shirt, bringing both hands up to cradle his face, wiping the tears as they fell.

"Almost," she whispered, her scars pulling, uncomfortable, tears burning behind her eyes.

"You left," he said, words cold and cutting. "You heard me and you left."

And then he was pulling away from her, pushing against the door. She grabbed at his shirt again, desperate.

"I'm sorry," she managed around a sob. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she said, wrapping her arms around his torso, keeping him.

His arms hung at his side, making no effort to comfort her.

Not that she deserved it.

But, still. It hurt.

She refused to let go. To let him go.

Not again.

They stood like that for several minutes. Her faced pressed between his shoulder and neck, tears soaking through his shirt at a steady pace. His arms still dead against his sides, unmoving, his breathing heavy.

He finally sighed, admitting defeat. As angry as he was, he loved her.

He lifted his arms, one hand sliding around her shoulders, the other came to rest against her skull, fingers carding through her hair.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled again, squeezing him tighter.

His breath skirted across her temple is small puffs, his heart rate slowing, the anger fading.

"Say it again," he murmured, hurt lacing his voice. Her chest was tight and throbbing.

"I _love_ you," she said, loud and clear, amazed at how easily the words came. Especially after fighting them for so long.

His right hand combed through her hair again, settling at her neck, his thumb at her jaw.

She looked at him. All the fight was gone from his eyes.

"Again."

"I love you," she breathed.

His lips crashed against hers, rough and punishing. She pushed up on her toes meeting him, giving it right back.

"Again," he mumbled against her cheek.

She arched back, threading her fingers through his hair, scratching lightly at his scalp. She waited until he opened his eyes.

"I love you," she said soft, tender.

The corner of his mouth twitched, suppressing a grin.

"I'm still mad," he said sternly, reminding her of that day on the swings.

"I know," she said, walking him toward his bed. He nearly stumbled when he realized where they were headed.

"You're not allowed to run anymore," he added as the back of his knees hit the mattress.

Castle fell back onto the bed, Kate crawling after him.

"I won't," she said, leaning over him, knees straddling his hips.

He looked up at her, hands gripping her thighs. He swallowed and blinked.

"Is this really happening?" He asked as she started on the buttons of his shirt.

"Yes. Stop talking," she said, before silencing him with her mouth. She felt him grinning into the kiss.

She sat up, pulling her shirt off. His eyes travelled the length of her torso settling on the puckered skin between her breasts. His breath hitched, as his fingers skimmed over the rough skin, the pads of his fingers barely touching. Flashes of sunlight and cemeteries hitting him so hard he could smell the grass and blood.

"Hey," she said, stilling his hand. "I'm right here."

He nodded, numb. She lifted his hand, kissing the center of his palm. He wrapped his hand around her wrist, tugging her to him.

"I love you, too."

...

_this year's love had better last_

_heaven knows it's high time_

_and i've been waiting on my own too long_

_but when you hold me like you do_

_it feels so right_

_..._

a/n: ok, now I'm done. :) thanks for reading and reviewing.


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